Redneck Things To Do

This thread was inspired my Tacomaman06 (The King of Rednecks) and Sawdust (some stupid Texan).

This thread is for anyone that considers themself a redneck to post stories along with hilarious outcomes regarding things they have done that could be considered a "Redneck" activity or situation. I know we have lots of rednecks and idiots (i fall into both categories) on this site, so lets hear some tales of stupidity!

Edit: Although this is primarily for rednecks, all stories are welcome, especially ones that make us laugh. BTW, in most of my stories you will hear the name David over and over again. His name is synonmous with doing stupid stuff. Keep posting guys, i'll add a story every few days too!

 

I have many stories but i'll start with one i consider truly redneck.

This took place back in high school. Me and some buddies found a home made motocross/dirtbike course on some private land near our neighborhood. None of us had dirtbikes so whats the next best thing? Riding lawn mowers!!! My friend David had his own mower which he didnt car about, and my other friend Matt stole his dads mower. We took off the decks and the blades and decided it was time to race them around the track. Did i mentino this was private land? Anyway, when the cops showed up we were all jumping up and down on my friends sh!tty station waggon cheering on the racers. Unfortunately, one of the jumps halfway through the course was steep and tapered off pretty fast. The cops saw Matt's lawnmower stuck at the bottom while he was flooring it trying to climb the jump. David had gotten to the top of the jump but the mower was didn't have enough clearance so it was stuck. David had one foot on the hood and the other on the seat and he was rocking it back and forth like a seesaw trying to tip it forward so he could continue the race (his mower had a lot of power and had big back tires... i'm still amazed he crowned that jump). Needless to say the cops cut our fun short and threatened to ticket us all with tresspassing and destruction of private property. Fortunately we got off scott free. After this we still had "lawnmower fever" and decided to go "mower mudding" but thats another story for another day. Moral of the story.... Lawm mower off-road racing is a great Redneck Thing To Do!

 

great story bird man before i had my tacoma i had a lifted jeep i was playing pool with some friend one night in a bar and some guy that had a stock dodge was talking crap all night about jeeps so i had him fowlow me to some trail that i know about to settle this like rednecks i had been here before with my brother in law he has a z71 with 49in tires and had made the ruts really deep so i told him to go first and when he got stuck in the first hole i turned around and left him there never herd from him again

 

Good stories! Military stories are always good and i love the idea of leaving a dodge in the mud in the middle of the night!

 

Disclaimer: this is not a true story nor do I know of anyone who has ever performed or even thought seriously about these acts.

Back in highschool when I was a little more destructive and a lot less mature (bad combination) one of my best friends had a 1978 Ford F150 jacked up with 38s and the big block 440. We used to take it out and perform public service reminders for the tools from school that treated our "lady" friends poorly. It's amazing how dumb some people can be not to put together acting like a complete ass one day and having your mailbox detroyed the next.

One time out I was a little off balance and hit the 4x4 pole of one of the boxes. Not only did it sting but the bat came back and smacked the side of the bed (just painted the previous weekend) with a loud THWACK. We drove about 2 miles to the nearest school yard to survey the damage (best lights around). Not there for 3 minutes when a cop pulls into the parking lot. We had the bat stoed away under the seat before he saw it but he started asking us questions and staring at the front wheels. We were told to leave and my friend, more astute than I about these things, says that the cop was looking to see if the hubs were locked. Evidently we had pulled into a school that had just had someone call about trucks mudding around in the field in back. I chaulk it up to Kharma that we never did get caught over the years, but I was never allowed at bat again.

 

Cvillechopper reminded me of a story one of my English teachers told me. He lived on a farm on some random road in the middle of nowhere. They kept hearing a loud crack in the middle of the night about once a month and the next morning their mailbox would be destroyed. So his dad went out and got one of those huge firehouse mailboxes. He got an 8ft steel pipe, dug a 4 foot hole and cemented the pipe into the ground. Then he mounted the mailbox and put a solid cement brick in it. This left enough room for the mailman to put the mail on top of the block. About a month later in the middle of the night they heard an engine, then a smack, then tires squealing and then a crash. Apparently it was just one kid doing it alone. He would hang out the driver side window with a bat and smash mailbox's with one hand and drive with the other. After he hit the newly "modified" mailbox he dislocated his shoulder and careened into a ditch. My teachers called the cops and an ambulance. The kids dad ended up trying to sue my teachers dad for assault or some stupid charge. The kids dad lost the lawsuit. Who knows, in California maybe he would have won....

 

GOD this stuff brings back memories and i have a million of them. The first one that comes to mind back in high school we would borrow a friends moms car a plymouth and "go to the store" so we said. We would go out on weekdays and run over or ram peoples trash cans leaving trash everywhere. For the people who left it on the driveway we would drive through their yard. It was a blast until one night my buddy got it suck in a snow bank in sombodys yard we are there trying to rock the car and some guy came out my friend always had a silver tounge and told him we lost control of the ice and ended up in his yard. With that he helped push us out and told us to more careful.

 

i got a redneck story for ya, and the night ended up costing me $300.

i was fishing out at the lakehouse one night(catfishing), and i had been drinking since probably around 2 o'clock that afternoon. i had even finished a quart of my "apple pie" moon shine, so i was pretty damn hammered already. my wife decided to leave me there cause i had convinced here that i was gonna catch catfish all night, so she was gonna go get me a 12 pack of coronas to get me thru the rest of the night. i thought she left already, and she called my cell phone. so im talking to her, and all of a sudden,im getting a bite on one of my rods. next thing i know,i stand up with the rod, and there goes my phone,right into the water. i said oh shit, and jumped right in after it. i forgot i had my oakleys still on my head from where i was swimming earlier. well, i got my phone out, but that damn thing was shot. i lost my shades too..............all cause my wife was too lazy to walk back to the dock to ask me a question. anyway,she leaves, and i go back to fishing. im just sitting there and all of a sudden, my damn good ugly stik rod and zebco 33(old school) reel take off into the water.......thats a big ol' catfish.

lets see........lost my shades=$100
new phone=$150
new rod and reel=$50

being drunker than hell and crashing out on the dock all night= priceless!!!

whats kinda funny about this too,my buddy brian and me got hungry,ordered pizza from dominos @ close to 2 in the morning. im trying to tell the guy how to get to the lake house,in my drunken stooper, and when he finally gets there, we actually got him to fish with us for a half hour or something. we were laughing our asses off the next day about it.

 

Thats my boy!!! Tacomaman, i knew i could count on you for something completely redneck! I was seriously just waiting for you to post something. Anything with catfish is definately in the redneck category! i would have loved to be there lauging at your drunk wet ass as you pulled your cell out of the water just to realize it was dead!

 

yeah man, i was laughing my ass off too when i pulled my phone outta the water. its kinda funny too, i had already bought new shades the next day, and later on i found the ones i lost,sitting on the bottom of the lake. then we were fishing a few weeks ago, and my buddy tim caught my damn fishing rod and reel that the big ass catfish had yanked into the water. drunken moments are priceless dude!!!

 

You must be a Redneck if your Taco goes down the highway 120 MPH by itself and you do nothing to stop it! ! !! !

 

that may well enough be redneck.....but what happened??? did bubba fall out???

 

heres another for ya'll.....and you had been there, you would probably still be laughing your asses off.

now,this was about 3.5 years ago or so, back when my now wife was my gf, and we were going out to a local club,"the longbranch" all the time. we used to go out there and get hammered every weekend, friday and saturdays! we were cool with the drummer from the house band, named "doc holliday"(awesome damn band too!!!). now ricky(the drummer) is kinda a heavyset fella(im guessing right around 275lbs, and he was 5'9", and he also has a fake leg. well, we decided to go back to my gf's condo that night after the club closed, so all of us could party some more. we gather everyone up, and head ack to the condo to drink and play cards. basically,ricky had been drinking the whole night while he was playing drums, so he was already buzzing, then he procedes to drink som of our jager, and he also drank a fifth of bourbon while we were playing cards. ricky kinda passes oput on the couch and thats when we noticed he wasnt breathing..............he literally "died" on our couch for a little bit. this night was turning to shit fast. we had to call 911, and the arrive with ambulance, along with the cops, and a damn fire truck............and this is right around 6 in the morning. we found out incidently that ricky has "sleep apnea"(not sure if thats spelled right), so he didnt really die, but it freaked us the hell out. so, after fighting with the paramedics(ricky),and us answering alotta questions from the cops.....they all leave.

so my gf gets ready and leaves for work, and we crash out where ever there was room, and there were prolly about 7 of us at this point. when my gf gets back from work, she wakes me up, and says" go in the bedroom and tell me if im seeing things", so i say wtf, and go in there. sure enough, there is ricky,passed the hell out in her bed......naked as hell, with his fake leg in the floor, and the "sock" that covers the stump of his leg sitting on one of the bed posts. oh my gawd.........we were laughing our asses off. but to top it all off, i saw a lump in the covers moving near the foot of the bed, so i go and pull the covers up, and one of the gf's cats was trapped under the damn cover with ricky!!! needless to say, we didnt really invite ricky over to party too much anymore. what a night that was!!! not to mentio hangover from hell!!! my wife is still kinda pissed about that night too!!!

 

I have another one too. Back in high school a friend of mine Justin tells me to come on over "he's got something planned". Justin is the guy you all know or hear about, never anything good. This is January and it snowing with about 6-8 inches on the roads. When i get to his house he takes me in the garage to show me what he is talking about. It is a log about 6' long and about 8" in diameter painted WHITE he goes on to tell me about a neighboor he hates and he always comes home late at night. So he proceeds to drag this log into the street a few houses down and he covers his tracks with a broom. Well sure as shit about 12:30 this guy comes flying down the street and nails this log tearing a hole in the oil pan. We can hear him Mother F'n everything and we were laughing our asses off. Needless to say he drove alot slower after that down the street.

 

ok here you go... snowing a few years ago and i invite some friends over to run 4x4's through the fresh snow in our back field...all going well till i spot a VW beetle hood I had laying around (did I mention the drinking before hand?) so we tie a (way too long)rope from bumper of a buddies f150 to the hood and use bungee cords for handles as he pulls us through the field 2 at a time on this hood.....then he makes a sharp (drunken) turn in front of my 1970 dart field beater.. me and my buddy joe bail off the hood and watch it smash into the front of my car destroying the radiator... now we do it about every year with a fullsize chevy hood and a shorter rope

 

haha! Good stories guys, i love something that makes me laugh while i'm here at work!

 

I have one.... this was my first actual job. I was a cook at the local KFC.

This was about 3 years ago or so.... Keep in mind I live in a real "country" kinda town. So me and my buddy Kyle begged to go on break together, we were both cooks and only 2 cooks work per shift during the day so it took some convincing.
Once we got on break we went and hopped in his truck where he just so happened to have a cooler with a 6-pack in it and two fishin' poles. We drove about 10 minutes down back roads to get to a nice fishin' spot. We jumped out of the truck finished about 4 of the beers on river side and tried to catch some fish. Kyle got a couple bites I didn't get anything. Well we got back to KFC 1hr 10 minutes after we clocked out (keep in mind our break was 30 minutes). We were able to finish the other 2 beers on the drive back. Our manager was now cooking and proceeded to ask us questions/yell at us. We told him we went fishing - hes a big fishing buff then he kind of softened up and asked if we brough lunch back... it was hilarious.
We werent allowed to go on break together again but it was worth it.

 

I love this thread! It's reviving memories that I was sure had long ago been killed by hops and such.
My first job was working on the ground crew for the local golf course. This was an early morning job (5:30 to 6am start) and it was the summer I turned 16 so you can imagine how much that sucked. It was hard to find ways to keep entertained through the hot days weedwacking, brush cutting, crabgrass picking, etc. I had 2 friends that worked there with me and since I had been working on engines of different types for a few years, we decided one day to the golf carts on the way back to the shop. Being a smartass, I let my friend get ahead (there were 2 of us in my cart) before I stopped and tied the governor wide open and took off to catch him. Not only was I going about 30mph in a golf cart, I decided to cut across an overgrown area (in view of the shop) to make up some time. Tall grass and a ditch don't bode well for a golf cart at that speed. We hit the ditch at full speed and got thrown out (no top on it). As we were dusting outselves off we saw our friend laughing so hard that he forgot his brakes were bad and slammed into one of the huge poles outside the shop.
Then we noticed our boss standing just inside the shop watching the whole thing with a less than impressed look on his face.
Turns out that we broke the axle and cracked the oil pan on our cart and my friend snapped the steering on his (as well and everything else on the front end).

When our boss saw the governor tied open he supressed a laugh and took my golf cart privledges away for the next month. All around, not too bad for the damage we caused.

 

Ok i got one that happened just last weekend....


Me and some buddies decided to go camping last weekend since the weather is getting nice and cold. My friends family owns thousands of acres in Saluda. We went to his dads land to set up camp. There are fields as far as you can see in either direction. We drank a little bit. I had a good buzz but was not drunk when we decided to go trail riding in my truck (you'd think after having my truck in the shop for two weeks after my last trail adventure i'd have learned my lesson.... i didn't" My trip was uneventfull (fortunately). we had fun and crawled through some ditches and my truck is scratched from nose to tail but i think most of it will buff out. After having fun on the trail my buddy Rich decides to have some fun in his 4 door 2006 Silverado. Here are multiple little stories that end in at least 2k in body work....

For the record, let me say that i am against drunk driving. However, when you are surrounded by hundreds of acres of private fields and you're not too reckless i think its ok. BUT USUALLY NO DRUNK DRIVING!!! having said that....

We loaded up the cab with beers and hauled ass into the fields! My friends dad rents some of his land to a relative for his chicken farm. He has about 5 huge chicken coops about 1 to 2 football fields in lenght. He uses a front end loader to empty the floor of feces and dead chickens. We found where he dumped the loads. There were about 30 four to six foot mounds of chicken crap all in one corner of a field. For some reason we chose this field to do donuts in. The areas around here are bone dry and i hve never been in a dustier field. When you spit a little dust could raises up from where it hit (not kidding) Anyway, after lots and LOTS of donuts we came to a stop. We litterally couldnt see the end of the hood. We were in a gigantic dust cloud. Rich didnt feel like waiting for it to clear so he just drove straight. I said "i dont think its a good idea to keep driving when we cant see" Rich said "we're in a field... theres nothing to hit!" As soon as he said that he plowed into a 6 foot wall of chicken shit. It was soft so no damage done, just really really nasty. So we all had a good laugh and backed up and drove to the next field.

The next field was enourmous and covered in terraces. For those of you that dont know, a terrace is a slope that aids in water runoff. If you see a huge field with different "levels", terraces are the "steps" that create those levels. Anyway, there are fun to drive up and down really fast. So we spend a good amount of time speeding through these fields and very high speeds. Well we finally get done and decide to head back to camp. At this point its about 10pm. Rich is driving back when part of the field changes in his headlights. Drew says "looks like a terrace" Rich said, "yeah i think its a terrace". I said "looks like a dit"..... next thing i know we are at a dead stop, drew is on top of me, there is beer all over the cab, and through the windshield all i can see is the ground. The truck was leaning to the left so i couldt get out of my door. So i had to climb out of drews door. Drews hammered and manages to slur... "this isn't a terrace.... its a four foot ditch!" and as soon as he says that he slips on teh side and falls into the four foot ditch. Amazingly he managed to not spill a single drop of the beer he just opened after climbing out of the cab. Although he did almost bite his tongue off when he fell. it bled for about an hour. And he complained about it for about an hour...

Anyway, the front end of his truck was in the ditch. The front left tire was suspended in air, not touching anything. the front right tire was in the ditch suspended but the back of the tire was touching the bank of the ditch. The back right tire was kinda touching the ground but was maxed out. the back left tire was up inthe wheel well since most of the trucks weight was sitting on it.

We had to hoof it back to camp (fortunately we still had beer) and get my truck and drive it out there. All three of them said they didnt think i could pull it out cause of the angle the truck was at. i backed up to it, hooked up a tow strap, put it in 4 low and barely tapped the gas and my baby pulled it right out. My truck had no problem pulling the 5000 lb silverado out of that ditch. It didnt even feel like i had another truck behind mine, and on top of that, the tires didnt spin at all. Everyone was very impressed, including myself. Anyway, his front end is pretty banged up. He had a bull bar which took alot of the damage but we still estimate the damage at 2k or more. The rest of the night was fairly uneventful.... until the pack of coyote's came into our camp, but i was sleeping in my truck bed so i didnt care. They were loud as hell though. Anyway thats my story of terrace jumping, running into chicken shit and eventually a four foot ditch.... all after sundown after a lot of beer and a few shots.

Moral of the story.... when hauling ass through fields in the middle of the night, make sure to put your beer in a sippee cup.... otherwise you will spill it all over the cab when you hit a ditch.

 

thats awesome nd!! next time yall decide to do that, let me know...........i can make a weekend of that man!!!