Joke of the Day

then ....

 

The weekend before their chemistry final, four college friends go on a road trip. They have a great time but wind up missing the exam by a few hours.

They proceed to tell their professor they got a flat tire on their way back, so he lets them take a makeup test.

The guys study all night and show up on time for the test in the morning. The professor places them in separate rooms and hands each a test booklet. The first question is worth five points, and each guy answers it easily.

Then they turn to the second question: “For 95 points: Which tire?”

 

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.

“I was shipwrecked last year,” she says. “I’ve been stranded on the other side of the island.”

“Where did you get the rowboat?”

“I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,” she replies.

“But you had no tools!” he says.

“I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue.”

The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. Theysit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,” she says, looking deep into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been desiring while you’ve been alone? You know… ”

“Do you mean,” he whispers, “I can check my E-mail from here!?!”

 

Two women are riding bikes to a friend’s house when it starts to get dark.

“I’ve never come this way before,” says one of the women.

“Me neither,” says the other woman. “I think it’s the cobblestones.”

 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

 

A woman walks into a bar and orders a whisky on the rocks. The bartender takes the glass and grabs a handful of ice. “Wait a minute,” says the woman. “I don’t know where those hands have been. Please use the tongs.”

The bartender gives her a funny look, but shrugs and obliges. A couple minutes later the woman notices that the bartender has a string hanging from the zipper of his pants. “Excuse me, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but you have a string hanging from you zipper.”

“Yeah, that’s so when I go to the bathroom, I can just pull it out without having to touch anything,” says the bartender. “That way I don’t need to wash my hands.”

“That makes sense,” says the woman, and she continues to enjoy her drink. A few moments later, after having time to think, she adds, “I don’t mean to pry, but how do you get it back in?”

The bartender smiles and replies, “That’s what the tongs are for.”

 

more...

 

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm."

He says, "I wasn't talking to you."

 

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!
Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!
Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?"

 

A couple just getting over an argument drives several miles down a country road. As they pass a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asks, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replies. "In-laws."

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.

“You don’t want to know,” answers the bartender.

A few beers later, the guy says, “Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey.”

“OK, I’ll show you,” says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender’s pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, “You want to try it?”

“Hell, yeah,” says the guy. “But don’t hit me that hard.”

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?A: Doesn’t matter—he won’t come

 

Why do pedophiles love Halloween so much? A: Free delivery.

 

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

 

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down in the country, so he decides to call on the closest farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the salesman says, “Sir, my car died just up the road. Could I stay here for tonight?”

The farmer says, “Sure, but you’ll have to promise not to sleep with my son.”

“Excuse me,” says the salesman, “but I think I’m in the wrong joke.”

 

On his first day at a new job, a guy attempts to phone an intern. “Bring me a cup of coffee, pronto,” he bellows.

“Do you know who you’re talking to?” the voice on the other end of the line shouts back. “This is the president of the company.”

“Do you know who the fuck you’re talking to, buddy?” the guy yells.

“No, I don’t,” replies the president.

“Thank God for that!”

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
...
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

A man accompanied his wife to the doctor's office. After her checkup, the doctor called the husband into his office alone.

He said, "Your wife is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your wife will surely die." "Each morning, fix her a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make her a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for her. Don't burden her with chores. Don't discuss your problems with her, it will only make her stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your wife several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your wife will regain her health completely."

On the way home, the wife asked his husband. "What did the doctor say?"

He said you're going to die," he replied.

 

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them...

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

"You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes."

 

A young couple was talking about them having sex.
"We can do it at my house, oh wait, my parents are going to be home" said the guy.
"Well, my parents are going to be away all week, but I have bunk beds with my little sister" the girl said.
"Thats fine, we'll do it on Saturday, oh, and one more thing, the codes, if you want me to go faster, just say ham, if you want me to go softer, just say turkey" he said.

Saturday night happened, they were on the top bunk doing it like crazy.
The little sister could hear her sister scream out "Ham, turkey, ham turkey".
Finally the little sister got up and said "I don't know why you guys are making sandwiches this late at night, but you're getting the mayo all over me!"